The Lion King Randomness
by Arcane Yrth
Summary: DO NOT READ THIS! Nala and Simba play strip-poker, Timon invents a new kind of KFC, Rafiki gets stoned as hell and attempts to kill everyone with a chainsaw and finally Nala has a deathwish...R&R!
1. From musicals, to drugs, to murder

**Randomness in the Pridelands**

From musicals, to drugs, to murder

* * *

One morning in the Pridelands, the sun came up bright and beaming, like in a musical...

Kovu (Singing): Oh what a wonderful moooorning, oh what a wonderful daaay!

Then Kiara, Simba, Zazu, Sarabi, Sarafina, Timon, Pumbaa, Rafiki and a random Zebra come into view and join Kovu.

(All!): I've got a wonderful feeeeeling, everything's coming my waaaay!

Then, they suddenly all walk away. Except Rafiki who is still for some reason singing...and then he looks around, noticing everyone else has gone and stops.

Rafiki: Oh...well that's just friggin great!

Then he goes to his tree and puts on a cd of the song 'I got high'. Then he dances around crazily in his tree.

All the lions are in the cave playing strip poker, only they had to put on some extra clothes so they could strip. Timon and Pumbaa are outside talking to Zazu.

Zazu: What the hell do you mean, bugs are the other white meat?

Pumbaa: They are!

Zazu: No they fucking aren't!

Timon: Shut up you Fucking kentucky fried chicken!

Zazu: That's "MR" fucking Kentunky fried chicken to you, fuzzy!

Pumbaa: Hey what's that sound?

Timon: It's the sound of a chicken being fried, Pumbaa!

Pumbaa: No, I mean the sound coming from Rafiki's tree...And what do you mean, a chicken being fried?

Timon: Oh, I'm just frying Zazu, wanna bite?

Pumbaa: Timon!

Timon: What?

Pumbaa: The whole point of KFC is that it is made in Kentucky, and you are frying him in the Pridelands. So it would be PFC...and Zazu's a hornbill, so it would be PFH actually Timon.

Timon: (Long pause) . . . You can go to hell!

Pumbaa stares at Timon and watches him frying Zazu for exactly 10.5 seconds and then says:

I don't like KFC.

Timon turns his head really slowly towards Pumbaa in a creepy way, and replies:

Shut the fuck up, Pumbaa.

Pumbaa: Rafiki is doing something in his tree, listen.

Timon stops frying Zazu and listens.

Timon: Oh you're right, let's go and see what he's up to.

T&P go to Rafiki's tree, Timon takes a plate of PFH (Pridelands fried Hornbill) with him, eating from it on the way.

They are in Rafiki's tree, and he is still dancing.

Pumbaa: Hi Rafiki!

Rafiki: (Stops dancing, and turns around slowly, his pupils are dilated) What the fuck are you doing in my tree?

Timon: It was his idea. We brought some fried hornbill!

Rafiki: Look I don't know who you people are!

Pumbaa: What are you talking about? You know us, we are your friends.

Rafiki: ...Just get the fuck out of my tree before I fucking kill you!

Pumbaa: I think he's high and he forgot who we are!

Timon: Well duh, he's a fucking stoner! He keeps the drugs here in his tree!

Pumbaa: So that's why you keep wanting to go up here to ease your trouble!

Rafiki: You stole my pot? You fucking little pot head, I'll kill you!

Timon: Nice going Pumbaa

Pumbaa: Thanks!

Rafiki goes after Timon and Pumbaa with a chainsaw and they run away screaming. They run all the way to Pride Rock, where Nala and Simba are sitting around.

Nala: Oh my God, Rafiki is chasing Timon and Pumbaa with a chainsaw, do you think he might be trying to kill them?

Simba: No.

Nala (Creepily): You lie Simba, YOU LIIIIIIEEEE!

Simba stares at Nala.

Rafiki: Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha

Timon and Pumbaa: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Timon: Help! He is trying to kill us!

Nala: See, I knew you were lying!

Simba: Yes, can you ever forgive me for lying?

Nala: No, you are an ass and I can't believe I even married you.

Rafiki: Shut up both of you, or I will kill you too!

Nala and Simba run away screaming. So somewhere in the Pridelands, Timon, Pumbaa, Simba and Nala and some PFH are being chased by a stoned Rafiki with a chainsaw.


	2. It continues to continue

**The Lion King Randomness**

**It continues to continue  
**

**YAY! THANKS TO THOSE REVIEWS THERE'S MORE!**

A/N: The real Chapter 2 has been deleted due to explicit content I did not want my mother to read…

But anyway, Nala, Timon and Pumbaa somehow fell off a cliff.

* * *

Nala: What? The author deleted chapter 2?

Timon: (Dramatically) How could this happen to me?

Pumbaa: Shut the fuck up or I will fucking rape you.

Timon: (Long pause)…you can go to hell.

Pumbaa jumps on Timon.

Timon: AAAAAAAAARGH!

Nala: o0 . . . Oh my dear sweet Jesus, God, mother of Christ, HELL...Crap!

Timon: Get off me ARAAARGHG!

Suddenly Simba crashes onto the ground next to them.

Simba: WOAH! Now I've seen everything!

Then Rafiki plummets onto the ground next to them too.

Rafiki: Hi.

Nala: OK Rafiki, you are far too young to have seen that.

Simba: (whispering) Hey Nala, I kinda need to talk to you. Rafiki just invited me up to his tree, and I think he has drugs up there!

Nala: Fuck off.

Pumbaa stops raping Timon because his rape-victim is unconscious.

Nala: Well great job, you raped him unconscious.

Pumbaa: Thanks.

Rafiki: Can't you ever take a hint of fucking sarcasm?

Pumbaa: WHAT?

Nala: Someone pass me that chainsaw.

Simba hands Nala the chainsaw and Nala chops Rafiki's head off with it. Blood spurts.

Simba: AARARARHGHRA THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!

Nala: (rolls eyes) Such a crybaby.

Pumbaa: Out of interest, why did you just kill Rafiki?

Nala: Because he was next.

Simba runs away screaming.

Nala: Idiot.

Suddenly the clouds in the sky start to move around and the ghost of Mufasa appears.

Mufasa: Tsup?

Nala shrugs.

Mufasa: HOLY CRAP! What happened here?

Pumbaa: Oh hey Mufasa. Your son just ran away and abandoned his pride like a complete coward.

Mufasa: (Gasps) I am not going to let my son run away and abandon his pride like a complete coward!

Mufasa moves along in a cloud-like way until he reaches Simba. He picks him up with his mouth (since he is only a floating head) and drops him back next to Nala.

Mufasa: There. I can't be bothered to tell you a million times that you are the one true king.

Simba has a nervous breakdown.

Simba: (Sings) I wanna be a producer, with a hit show on Broadway. I wanna be a producer, sport a top hat and a cane...

Pumbaa: Shut the fuck up.

Pumbaa grabs the chainsaw off Nala and stabs Simba with it.

Simba: OW.

Pumbaa: Why aren't you dead?

Nala: Try pulling the chord maybe.

Pumbaa: Duh. I have hooves. How do you expect me to-- (Nala pulls the chainsaw out of Simba and kills Pumbaa in one slash)

Timon: (Waking up) Was someone just singing "I wanna be a producer"?

Nala: No. (Steps on Timon and suffocates him)

Simba: No Nala, please. Think of Kiara.

Nala: (Thinks for a second) ARE YOU CALLING MY DAUGHTER A WHORE?

Simba Grabs the chainsaw and commits suicide.

Nala: NOOO! Simba my poor confused husband. Why did you have to do that? Now I have nothing left to kill but myself. (Notices small pile of PFH) Oooh are those fried? (Greedily gobbles it

up) Well that was simply delicious! Oh my good queen of cat food! I have a newfound respect for life! What was I thinking I would accomplish by this needless massacre? I will have to

confess to the Pridelands now.

Nala flies back to the top of the cliff to spread her joy.


	3. Nala's confession

**The Lion King Randomness**

**Nala's confession **

**A/N: I have taken all your reviews into account and as well as having changed the rating to T (and thank you I agree), I have decided to make the story a little more descriptive. I hope it works as I am unsure whether this will ruin the randomness. **

**A/N: Also I thought I might add, I just read the last chapter again and I totally can't remember writing any of it...I think I just invented drink-writing... **

* * *

Nala was at Pride rock, ready to confess her needless massacre to the Pridelanders, who were slowly gathering at the foot of Pride rock.

Nala: Can't you all walk a little faster, I haven't got all freaking day?

Random giraffe: But we are singing He Lives In You, your majesty.

Nala: I don't see why you have to always do that everytime you come up here, it takes like two hours longer.

Random antelope (whose name is Larry): That's because we walk in single file.

Nala: WELL THEN DON'T FUCKING WALK IN SINGLE FILE YOU BUNCH OF TARDS!

Larry: Have you got the Wham album?

Nala: er...no. Why?

Larry: Er...no reason, cos I'm not...you know. I'm not interested in the music. No reason, just asking.

Nala: (rolls eyes) Larry, I know you like George Michael.

Larry: What would make you think that?

Nala: Er, what's written on the walls of most caves?

Larry: Tut tut, nasty rumours, they chill me to the very soul is what they do.

Nala: (Picks up letter and starts to read) Dear your Majesty Queen Nala, could you please let me borrow that Wham album from you as I really love Geroge Michael and I want to make out

with him and that song 'Last Christmas' is particularly good, signed Larry The Antelope.

Larry: What? Simba's dead?

Nala: Wha - . . . How did you . . . ? Yes, that's what I wanted to talk to you all about, you see...

Larry: What? Simba's dead?

Suddenly, everyone rushes up to Pride rock to pay attention to Nala.

Nala: Well great NOW you don't want to sing He Lives In You.

Then the ghost of Mufasa formulates above Pride rock in the sky. He appears to be wearing rediculous clothes of what he percieves are what a nineteen-year-old would wear.

Mufasa: Tsup?

Larry: OMGOMG the king is dead, the king is dead...

Mufasa: Yes I died tragically in France.

Nala: No you did not. And they aren't talking about you, they are talking about Simba.

Mufasa: That's whack!

Nala: Excuse me?

Mufasa: Playstation's whack! Tsup with the whack Playstation, tsup?

(All stare blankly)

Mufasa: C'mon, am I nineteen or what?

Nala: Yes, from a scale of one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definately nineteen!

Mufasa: Whack!

Nala: Ok, you're a man-child, now leave us alone.

Mufasa: I'm a lion.

Nala: And a dead one at that.

Mufasa: What?! Simba is dead!?

Nala: Wha - . . . How do they keep doing that?

Larry: (Singing) Last Christamas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special (special).

Nala: . . . He really does live inside his own world.

Mufasa: So how did this all come about then, Nala? You being a crazy murderous psychopath?

Nala: I am the Queen. I can do whatever I want.

Giraffe: Boy will I be pleased when Kiara is queen.

Nala: Oh don't be sure Giraffe, she is twice as mean.

Mufasa: Hey that rhymes! But it's rediculous. I'm sure she hasn't murdered half as many times as you have.

Nala: Well the other day she dragged in a homeless guy by the leg and forced him to jump of Pride rock.

Larry: Eww. So that's what I've been standing in this whole time.

(A few animals step back around Larry)

Mufasa: Did Kiara eat most of him?

Nala: Yeah, she was rather hungry that day.

Mufasa: Then I can forgive your daughter.

Nala: Why?

Mufasa: We're lions, we kill and eat other animals. It's the circle of life.

Nala: So will you forgive me?

Mufasa: No, what you did was just wrong.

Nala: Ah, screw you. I don't need your forgiveness.

Mufasa: Oh damnit. It's true, all I can do is appear in reflection pools and repeat haunting phrases, which I quite frankly don't have time for anymore.

Nala: Good. You animals can all go away.

Larry: I would, but, I think a part of me just got stuck inside this homeless guy...

Nala: Oh brother. (walks away)

Larry: Oh, yeah baby!

(Two hours later)

Larry: Oh yeah baby! Now seriously, have you got that album or not? Nala? . . . Anyone? . . . Heeelllooo?


End file.
